Household Mysteries

Sometimes I find myself awake in the quiet hours of the night with only my thoughts for company.  I begin to contemplate the deep mysteries of existence, and to seek meaning in the minutiae of life.  For instance…

Where do all the teaspoons go?

I don’t know how things are at your home, but over here we never have enough teaspoons.  I can buy brand new flatware with twelve place settings, and within a week only three teaspoons are left in the utensil drawer.  The rest simply vanish.

parsonage work day 023I have never owned a set of matching silverware.  There are always at least two designs in the mix.

Maybe they are with the missing socks.  You know the socks I’m talking about?  I’m referring to the ones that go into the washer, but somehow vanish when I remove the same load of clothes from the dryer.  I have pulled apart the dryer, and checked the lint trap and the exhaust tube, but I never found them.  I have finally resigned myself to the understanding that once a sock goes AWOL it’s gone forever.  Unless it’s a red one – then it will infiltrate my next load of whites, and turn my towels and underwear a uniform shade of pastel pink.

Clothes hangers, on other hand, multiply like crazy.  I can empty out my entire closet, yet the next time I open it an avalanche of tangled wire hangers falls on my feet.  Where do those wire hangers even come from?  I don’t buy them, and even the cheapie clothes from Wal-mart hang on plastic.  Don’t say the dry cleaners – you don’t know me at all if you think I have any ‘dry clean only’ items in my wardrobe.

I have a drawer in my kitchen that is filled with plastic knives – no spoons or forks, just knives.  No matter how many I use, there are always more.  They are mixed up with about 300 wooden shish kabob skewers.  I have never made shish kabobs in my life, not even once.  Also in the same drawer are about three different measuring spoon sets (all three are missing the ½ tsp. spoon), twenty Day-Quil dosage cups (we do we keep saving these?), and five different meat thermometers.  Only one thermometer works accurately, but I can never figure out which one.  I would trade everything in that drawer for two more teaspoons.

Why do I buy chew toys for my dog when she prefers to gnaw on dirty socks and anything she can pull from the trash can?

Why do I provide my cat with a scratching post when he chooses to sharpen his claws on the back of my furniture?

Why do my children wake up at 5:30 am on Saturdays, but I can’t get them out of bed in time for school or church without throwing a wet washcloth at them?

Yes, these are the elusive answers that I seek, ever searching, ever wondering about the “why” behind them all.

I guess some things are destined to remain a mystery.

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6 thoughts on “Household Mysteries

  1. Hilarious! For me it was mechanical pencils at work. I would buy them and they would vaporize. I finally started buying them 12 dozen at a time. The philosophy was “buy more than they could steal”. Love this article.

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  2. Silverware disappeared in your home of origin, too. Funny but after the kids grew up and moved out, the problem became VERY infrequent… Socks, however, continue to disappear somewhere in the laundry cycle.

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  3. I guard spoons and socks like crazy. Growing up one of seven there were never enough of either. That wasn’t going to happen in my house! I was finally able to relax when I bought a set of flatware — service for 12 with 24 teaspoons. Brilliant! Still, the mysteries never cease! Fun post…

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